Big Helen

Big Helen

 

I worked at ARCO Oil and Gas Company in Sabine Pass, Texas as an Expeditor in the 1980’s.  The Expeditor is a person who both receives shipments and initiates shipments of all types of materials to and from the Sabine Shore Base.  If it was any type of material, big or small, it went through me, the Expeditor.  The modern day Expeditor’s job is the equivalent to that of a 1700’s Spanish monk manning the gangplank of a sailing vessel loading goods.  When I was the Expeditor (monk) at ARCO I hand-wrote everything that got loaded onto the boat, truck, or helicopter on a bill of lading for each shipment. As the sole Sabine Shore Base Expeditor, I either received or initiated about 1900 shipments per month. 

 

The Sabine Shore Base was made up of several notable characters, one of which was a lady from the second floor known as “Big Helen”.  I am not altogether sure what Big Helen’s official title was, but from my point of view she ruled the second floor of the building, that floor being mostly dedicated to “Engineering”.

 

I met “Big Helen” on the first day of my employment with ARCO Oil and Gas.  I needed an ink pen so that I could begin logging the components of shipments to each of the offshore oil platforms onto the bills of lading.  I was told that Helen was in charge of all office supplies, so as a new hire I marched right upstairs with full expectations of all my office supply needs being met!  I arrived at Helen’s desk, which was central to the second floor, and noted the padlocked double door steel storage locker directly behind her. 

 

Helen (known as “Big Helen” downstairs) was a 350-pound business-dressed woman that sat behind her desk with the receptive scowl of a prison warden.  I politely introduced myself as the new Expeditor and explained that I needed an ink pen to complete my assigned duties.  She asked me if I had an empty or nonworking pen to turn in.  I know for certain that I must have had a puzzled look on my face as she continued to explain to me that it was “company policy” to not issue any ink pens without receiving the old one in trade!  I proceeded to explain to her that I was a new employee and was never issued an ink pen.  She proceeded to tell me that she did not care about my problems!  No old pen to trade in, no new pen for me!

 

With my head hung low I returned downstairs to my desk empty-handed.  Duke Nesgoda, the ever present prankster-dispatcher, was in my office to greet me upon my return.  “Did Big Helen fix you up with your supplies?” he kibitzed.   He already knew what the result would be before he sent me up there for my supplies.  He just laughed, and then loaned me an ink pen that I could use until I was able to get one of my own from home.  

 

Previously I mentioned that all material shipped either to or from the ARCO Shore Base went through me the Expeditor.  As the Expeditor, I was often the target of bribery (known to some as “Baksheesh”) from the trucking companies.  The truck drivers would often bring pens, pads, cakes, cookies; you name it…, they gave it to me trying to influence my choice of trucking companies.

One fateful morning I arrived at my office at the usual time of 6:00 a.m.  In the middle of my desk sat a large Hershey chocolate bar box.  Upon inspection I found the newly arrived box contained about a dozen homemade chocolate cupcakes.  I paused for a moment and thought: “how thoughtful was that of someone to leave these for me?” Not bothering to look for the usual business card attached, I stuffed the larger portion of a cupcake into my face.   Still trying to choke down my first bite, I picked up the box and gestured to Duke the dispatcher to see if he would like to partake in the bounty.  Duke took two!

 

It was just a typical morning at the ARCO Sabine Shore Base!  As usual, David “Dave Boy” Peltier, the yard foreman, came in the office to get a feel for how the day was going to shape up and have some coffee.  Not far behind Dave Boy came Jimmy “Gimme” Johnson, the crane operator, looking for coffee as well.  Needless to say the dozen cupcakes were disappearing at a fast rate.  We were down to just a few cupcakes when Bill Yeadon, the manager of the Materials Department, came by and picked up one on his way to his office next door.  It was just a typical day in the life of the ARCO Oil and Gas Expeditor.

 

Shortly after 8:00 a.m. I received a call from Helen inquiring about a package I may have received for her from one of the production platforms working offshore.  Still holding the phone to my ear I leaned over and shouted to Duke: “Have you seen any packages for Helen?”  Duke, on the phone with one of the company oil platforms, shouts back “nothing here”.  I relayed that message to Helen, letting her know that I would keep an eye out for anything tagged for her. 

 

The morning continued on in a normal fashion until I received a second call from Helen inquiring about the elusive package.  Once again I queried Duke about any arriving packages and the response was the same: “still nothing here”.  I again relayed the information to Helen and continued on with my daily duties, not knowing that Big Helen was about to place a phone call to the production platform.

 

My phone rang again a few minutes later and I was Helen for a third time.  This time her question was more on point than previously.  She asked: “Have you seen a box of cupcakes that High Island 467 sent me?”  My heart stopped! I glanced down at the box to see the last remaining cupcake sitting alone in the once-full box.  I responded: “No sign of it here” and hung up!  In my mind there was only one thing I could do at this point.  I ate the last cupcake in two big gulps and put the box in the trash! 

 

The next person to come into my office was Bill Yeadon, the manager of the Materials Department.  He came in and said that he had just gotten a call from Big Helen about some cupcakes delivered from a rig for her and wanted to know what was going on.  There was nothing left for me to do but come clean.  I wiped the chocolate frosting from the corner of my mouth as I confessed to Bill.  I said: “Bill you know that cupcake you had this morning when you came in?  Well, that was one of them.”  Bill, looking down at the floor, mumbled something like: “There is going to be hell to pay”.  Bill disappeared down the hall and up the back staircase to the second floor to break the news to Helen. 

 

It could not have been more than two minutes after Bill had left my office to break the bad news to Helen I heard a huge commotion going on upstairs!  The noise was caused by all of the engineers from upstairs scrambling down the front and back stairways as if the building was on fire! The only question on their minds was: “Who pissed off Big Helen?”

 

For weeks after that I was the most unpopular guy on the shore base.  As a result of me (and other guilty parties…) eating food that was intended for someone else, Charlie Woods, the shore base manager, banned any and all food from being brought in from offshore for shore base consumption.  The only reason that I was ever redeemed for my errors was that eventually people went back to their old ways and the rigs started sending food into the shore base personnel.  All was forgiven, but Big Helen never forgot!